I feel my emotions are in a vice-grip-like pose. Lately my feelings are more open and available for interaction with the outside world. Before they were, if even surfacing, confined to the limits of my skin and no further did they extend. It seems I care about people, becoming involved with them, inadvertently as it were, not even knowing I have formed a caring bond and thus feeling a responsibility to perfect strangers that only a couple of days or moments before, depending on when this bond actually developed, I did not know.
I'm better at this letting go than this but only now my feelings are more wide open, more accessible to others' feelings and we form bonds that are more cemented and take a greater resolve to let go of unproductive and negative associations, for instance, that I may have about some behavior I did or didn't do. If I had it to do over, I'd have changed it. But I may have not learned a more powerful lesson that I'm supposedly now learning and will see and understand more in retrospect had I not fell short, as I perceived I did, and acted to save someone's feelings from being hurt as I would have done had I been more aware than I actually was.
I seem to be in another world as I leave home for the day only to return to something like a dual life I am leading. I'm not sure which feels more real or more satisfying as being connected with others and being with myself both hold desirable rewards. If I felt freer, with less fear, I don't know which I'd choose. The world is stressful but stimulating, and gives me an "alive" feeling. Conversely, relaxing alone at home with my thoughts and feelings is relieving and sometimes like when I cannot seem to let an emotion go as was described above in a timely manner, it's irritating and taints the rather pleasant experience of just "being" with myself and enjoying the release from the demands of the world outside the confines of my front door.
So he said, "Did you sign it?" Sign what, the card? Yes. No, I didn't. Did you want me to? Enthusiastically, he answers, "yes". Oh, O.K.
I, being a substitute teacher he just met yesterday, by his 7 year old decision, made me feel somewhat special to know that it meant something to him to sign his going away card the class had created, and they all signed, for his changing schools hundreds of miles away to another state. It made me feel included, which I haven't felt much of in my life, actually--even as a substitute, I don't stay in one place too long usually, and don't develop many close bonds, consequently.
So I apparently had played a bigger part in his life than I had imagined, or so it seemed.
I'm aware that I influence kids a lot by my actions, esp. the younger ones--it's actually a pretty big responsibility, a least I feel it is, to be a teacher. Often, I want kids to know what I know even if they don't completely understand it, the seed will be planted and they can do with it what they will when they get older.
The schools are so restrictive about what teachers are allowed to say and introduce, being fearful of parents' possible adverse reactions or other repercussions.
So, I should know that I probably play a bigger part than I suppose when I am around younger, impressionable, developing beings and take my actions as role modeling to those whom I'm around.
It really feels good to be around the genuineness of the younger kids. We often play and have fun without the fustiness of an adult's point of view--I actually become like one of them because I can still tap into that child-like innocence they have and participate in some of the same simple pleasures they find so much joy in becoming aware of.
Copyright © 2012 Gary Frates All Rights Reserved
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